Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.